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In all of our explorations of crowns and crown jewels, we have barely addressed the most famous crown jewels of all–those of the United Kingdom. Ferrebeekeeper posted about the giant dark spinel in the imperial state crown (aka “the black prince’s ruby“) and about the crown of the Tudor kings–which was destroyed back in the 17th century–and that is about all we have said about the most famous royal regalia. The reason for the paucity of posts is that the crown jewels of the United Kingdom were themselves destroyed in 1649 at the order of Oliver Cromwell, a puritan anti-monarchist who seized control of England and had no use for such things. Interestingly, this was (at least) the second time that all of the crown jewels were lost: in 1216 Bad King John somehow sank all of the previous crown jewels (and most of the treasury) in the Wash River (we will explore that humorous catastrophe in a future post).

Anyway, the real point of all of this is that although Cromwell destroyed all of the golden crowns, jeweled scepters, ancient magic swords and whatnot, he did not quite destroy all of the crown jewels. A single metal item from the ancient medieval royal collection of England survived the meltdown and is now the oldest item in the crown jewels (although the Black Prince’s ruby (which was sold and later returned) is pretty ancient too). The sacred coronation spoon of the ancient kings of England survived the Commonwealth. As the crown jewels were being torn apart and melted by stern religious zealots, there was apparently a spoon enthusiast (?) in the crowd. This Mr. Kynnersley bought the ancient coronation spoon for 16 shillings.

The first mention of the coronation spoon was in 1349, but even then it was said to be “of ancient form” so the true age and origin of the spoon are lost in history (although experts surmise that it is from the 12th century). The coronation spoon is decorated with monster’s heads and ornate medieval scrollwork. It was probably originally used to mix water and wine (a critical component of drinking in ancient times which ensured that the imbiber neither died of dysentery nor blacked out from alcohol poisoning). If you squint a bit, the spoon has quite a lot of resemblance to a modern bartender’s mixing spoon.

As far as I can tell, the spoon is too famous and special to be photographed, but there are many high quality drawings and reproductions of it. I wonder how this spoon will fare during the next 800 years of royal history, or will it fall victim to a new King John or another Cromwell somewhere down the line?
Today’s news has been quite troubling. The republic rots from within as grifters and fraudsters the treasury secretary and attorney general ignore Congressional oversight and mere national laws and wholeheartedly dedicate themselves to protecting Dear Leader President Trump’s dirty secrets. Meanwhile, in even more troubling news, the U.N. released a report projecting the imminent extinction of more than a million species of plants and animals due to human activities. The decline of our republic makes me so furiously angry that I feel like my teeth will break, but that feeling is nothing compared to the bone deep sadness which I feel contemplating the extinction of so many living things for our frivolous and corrupt economic system.
There is no way I could write about either of these things without spending all day at it (and spending a lot of time screaming at the heavens). Is this what life is going to be like from here on out? Increasingly emotionally devastating headlines as ever more corrupt figures vie for power and the web of life slowly dies? Almost certainly.
Anyway, I can’t come to terms with these national and planetary headlines, so I am going to write about something frivolous and stupid instead. The King of Thailand is the world’s richest monarch with an estimated net worth of around 30 billion dollars (U.S treasury secretary’s Mnuchin’s personal fortune is only a hundredth of that amount–so we still have a lot of catching up to do in order to create a perfectly corrupt society), but, sadly, the king of Thailand died three years ago. For three years the new monarch, King Vajiralongkorn, has been preparing his lavish coronation to match the overstuffed opulence of ancient Ayutthaya (an absolutist Siamese kingdom of enormous wealth and splendor which existed from 1350 AD to 1767 AD). I feel that he succeeded! Just contrast his own nine-tiered parasol of righteousness with those of past kings.
This is the first coronation in Thailand for the last 69 years (!) so it was indeed spectacular to see all of the pageantry and props of the monarchy. The king even put on the famous Great Crown of Victory (which is no mean feat, since the crown is made of 7.3 kg (16 pounds) of gold).
In some ways the Thai coronation is a glimpse back into the excesses of the age of absolutism, when the only thing of any importance in society was the whim of the ruler. Such ostentatious displays of excessive wealth in a land of sustenance farmers underlined the social contract in a way which was very evident to all. Yet it is hard not to see the Thai coronation as a bridge to a new golden future. This is how the world of the 21st century is likely to look not just in Southeast Asia, but right here in America.! The writing is already on the wall…just ask Steven Mnuchin (not that such a glorious vizier… er…”secretary”, would talk to the likes of you).

The Crown of Charlemagne, the coronation crown of French Kings for nearly a millenium (shown without cap)
From the era of Frankish Kings until the French Revolution, the kings of France were crowned with the so-called Crown of Charlemagne, a circlet of four gold rectangles inset with jewels. The crown was made for Charles the Bald, the Holy Roman Emperor who lived in the ninth century (who apparently needed an ornate head covering for some unknown reason). Four large jeweled fleur-de-lis were added in the late twelfth century along with a connecting cap ornamented with gems. A matching crown for the queen of France was melted down by the Catholic League in 1590 when Paris was besieged by the Protestant king Henry IV (before he was, you know, stabbed to death by a zealot when the royal carriage was stuck in traffic), yet the crown of Charlemagne survived France’s religious wars & was used in coronations up until 1775 when Louis XVI was crowned. The crown vanished during the French revolution and has never been seen since. A certain Corsican monarch crafted a replacement: the second Crown of Charlemagne was completely different and will be the subject of a subsequent post.