Wake up, soccer fans! Today I will celebrate the 2014 FIFA World Cup Soccer Championship which is currently being played in Brazil. Well actually I was going to write about this year’s world cup tournament, but nothing interesting has happened so far except for that Uruguayan player who repeatedly bites people (and apparently he has already been captured, sedated, and returned to his native habitat without further human injuries).
Since nothing exciting has happened in this tournament, I will write about the previous World Cup Soccer Championship Tournament which took place in South Africa in 2010. Unfortunately I don’t remember anything that happened on the pitch in South Africa. Clearly I was otherwise preoccupied…plus I am an American and we are famously obdurate in our inability to understand soccer (also we already have several dozen better sports to follow). Only two aspects of those matches stick in my memory: 1) the fearsome buzz of the vuvuzela, AKA “the devil stick”, a horrid musical instrument which first arrived on Earth inside a radioactive comet (probably because humankind failed to win a cosmic moral bet); and 2) Paul the octopus, a magical cephalopod who could predict soccer matches with greater accuracy than any of the world’s human pundits, psychics, and bookies.
The vuvuzela being played by a lesser demon…
I believe that in-depth writing about the vuvuzela is now prohibited by international treaty, and I have nothing comprehensible to say about soccer (which seems to be a sort of agonizingly slow hockey with arcane kabuki-like dramatic conventions), but I would like to take a moment to eulogize Paul, who was not just a remarkable octopus but also a first-rate showman. Like soccer, Paul originated in England. In 2008, he hatched from an egg at the Sea Life Centre in Weymouth, England. Paul soon moved to Oberhausen, Germany, which, Wikipedia informs us, is an anchor point on the European Route of Industrial Heritage. Paul was a common octopus (Octopus vulgaris), a species known for intelligence, lively personality, tool-use, and acute senses. His oracular abilities soon became apparent during the UEFA Euro 2008 tournament. Before each match, Paul’s keepers would offer him two identical seafood treats in bags or boxes which were identical except for national flags of soccer playing nations. Whichever bag Paul chose to eat from first was reckoned to be his choice for match winner.
Paul chooses between Spain and Germany
Paul was a German Octopus and initially he only voiced his opinion concerning German matches. He distinguished himself by correctly choosing the outcome of 4 out of 6 of Germany’s matches. But 2008 was only a lead-up to his remarkable World Cup predictions. During the 2010 World Cup, Paul correctly predicted every match which he was consulted about. This resulted in unprecedented world popularity (and infamy) for the tiny sea creature. Fans of the losing teams threatened Paul’s life, (which ultimately lead the Spanish Prime Minister to offer him state protection). The president of Iran denounced Paul as a symbol of Western Imperial corruption. The German press speculated that 2008 Paul had died and been replaced with a savvier octopus in 2010. PETA demanded that he be released to the wild (which would certainly have spelled the end of the aging tank-raised celebrity mollusk).
Paul chooses the winners of this World Cup from the great hereafter
Sadly, Paul passed away on October 10th, 2010 at the age of two and a half (ripe old age for a cephalopod). He was memorialized with a statue and the very funny Google doodle seen above. Paul’s life illustrates that through PR savvy and complete random chance anyone or anything can become an International celebrity (although skeptical marine biologists note that Common Octopuses betray a preference for bright surfaces and horizontal lines—so those national flags may have played a bigger role than thought). Since I failed to blog about him in 2010, I thought I would take this opportunity to eulogize the most famous octopus in the world of sports (which is saying something, considering the role of Al the Octopus in hockey). His tragic passing marks the last time soccer (which is also known as “football”) was enjoyable…although maybe somebody will find a cuttlefish who can correctly calculate penalty kicks or a whelk that can play the Croatian national anthem…
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July 2, 2014 at 10:00 AM
Mike
Americans understand soccer, though I can understand why the misconception exists that we don’t. I mean, if so many other countries are into it, there must be something that we’re missing, right? Wrong. It really is just slow motion hockey played by pansies who fall down in pain at the slightest touch. There’s nothing else to it. It’s just that there’s limited opportunity to see good sports in other countries, so they’re forced to love the only game in town.
Here in the US, soccer is suddenly hip for a month, as people around the country use it as an excuse to cram into bars and shout at the tv. None of these people actually care about soccer, but they want to appear to care so that their friends think they’re cool. It’s like how certain awful bands gain a following amongst those who dress in a hip manner.
Fortunately, unlike those awful bands, soccer will once again disappear for another four years after one team defeats another team in the championship match thanks to a lucky bounce and/or poor officiating (the only two forces that actually generate the oh-so-rare goals in the world’s most boring sport).
July 2, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Wayne
Actually, since the U.S. national team is now eliminated from the cup, I think soccer mania will largely vanish from America right now (though it may linger a bit longer in New York City where people have extensive international ties) . I wrote a snarky post because soccer is not my favorite sport, but I have been enjoying the goofy spectacle of the World Cup–largely because of the political and cultural sideshows. In the end, soccer is fine to watch while drinking and talking with friends, and that’s all a sport needs to be–a pretext for socializing (even if the actual play is a tad…er…downtempo).
I think a big part of the international appeal of soccer might be the fact that it can be played inexpensively. Basketball requires hoops and a level concrete playing space; baseball requires bats and gloves and bases; and American football (which should have a more intimidating & accurate name) requires $50,000 worth of plastic armor. For soccer all you need is a ball and some space. So I can see how it conquered the favelas and the veld and the steppes.
The real question is where are the next generation of magical mollusks which can tell the future? That is all soccer needs to be a perfectly interesting spectacle–even here in America.